Lately, I’ve noticed a big shift in my daughter’s behavior, and it’s been equal parts fascinating and challenging. She’s two years and five months old now, and she’s suddenly started showing strong preferences for certain caretakers—both at home and at the kita (daycare). And not just subtle preferences, either. We’re talking full-on declarations: who can get her out of her car seat, who she’ll go to, and who’s simply not allowed in her bubble in the moment.
At home, it’s Daddy all the way. She wants him for everything—getting dressed, putting on her shoes, carrying her upstairs, getting her out of her car seat. She lights up when she sees him and often pushes me away with a very clear, “No Mommy,” complete with hand gestures. The first time it happened, it stung more than I expected. Since then, it’s become a pattern. But here’s the twist: when Daddy isn’t home, she becomes incredibly sweet, affectionate, and totally comfortable with me. No hesitation, no rejection—just warm cuddles and a strong connection.
The same kind of behavior has started showing up at the kita. But there, it’s not the main caretaker she gravitates to—it’s the other one. The difference in her behavior is striking. If the main caretaker is there, she becomes reluctant to go in. There’s hesitation, sometimes even resistance. But when the other caretaker is the one welcoming her, she walks right in without missing a beat. That has, honestly, raised some concerns. We asked the main caretaker if anything had happened—any negative interaction, or moment that might have unsettled her. She assured us there was nothing unusual. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder: Is this just separation anxiety? Could something subtle have thrown her off emotionally?
The more I observe this behavior, the more I’m beginning to see that it may simply be a developmental phase—a normal one, though not always easy to navigate.
This seems to be the age when toddlers start asserting themselves more clearly. And asserting preferences is a big part of that. She’s not just saying what she wants to eat or wear—she’s figuring out who she wants in her space at a given moment. I can tell this isn’t about love or attachment in the deeper sense—because when I’m the only one around, she’s all in. It seems more situational, more emotional than rational. And from what I’ve read and heard from other parents, that’s very typical for toddlers around this age.
I’m learning that these strong preferences, even the rejections, don’t necessarily mean something’s wrong. In fact, in some ways, they’re a sign that her social and emotional understanding is developing. She’s learning to navigate relationships, to express comfort and discomfort, to form bonds on her own terms. That’s actually a powerful and healthy thing—even when it results in me being benched for the day.
Still, it’s hard not to take it personally sometimes. When your child pushes you away in favor of someone else, especially someone who hasn’t spent nearly as much time caring for her, it brings up all sorts of emotions. I’ve felt confused, hurt, and even a little jealous. I question myself: Am I doing something wrong? Did I miss something? Am I not enough?
But I also try to zoom out and look at the full picture. Her preference for Daddy at home doesn’t mean she loves me any less. It might mean that she’s associating him with a certain kind of fun or security right now. Maybe the way he carries her or the tone of his voice is resonating with her mood and emotional needs. And honestly, it could just be a phase where the novelty of having Daddy around more, or being picked up by him, feels exciting. In a toddler’s world, those little shifts can have a huge impact.
And the kita? That’s trickier, because we don’t see what happens during the day. We rely on communication and trust with the caregivers. The fact that she prefers one caretaker over the other doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a problem, but it’s definitely something I’m keeping a close eye on. Toddlers are incredibly intuitive, and their reactions often reflect things adults miss—maybe energy, warmth, tone, or subtle dynamics we aren’t aware of.
What’s reassuring is that she does go in happily when it’s the other caretaker. That tells me it’s not the kita itself that she’s resisting—it’s more about who she feels most comfortable with in that environment. That’s actually a relief, and a sign that she’s developed trust with at least one of the caregivers. Ideally, she’ll eventually feel that with both, but for now, I’m trying to respect her instinct while still supporting her through the daily routine.
There are definitely upsides to all of this. Watching her build selective attachments tells me that she’s developing a healthy sense of self and emotional intelligence. She’s not just passively accepting care—she’s choosing, discerning, building trust in her own way. It’s amazing to see her express herself with such clarity. I want to encourage that, even when it feels inconvenient or uncomfortable for me.
It’s also been a special time for her relationship with Daddy. They’ve become incredibly close, and their bond is beautiful to watch. I know that deep down, she feels equally safe with both of us—but right now, she’s leaning into him, and he’s rising to the occasion with love and patience. And when I take a step back, I can appreciate that this is giving her the gift of deep emotional connection with more than one caregiver, which is a powerful thing for a child to have.
But there are challenges, too. One of the hardest parts is staying emotionally grounded through the ups and downs. I’ve had to remind myself not to overreact—when she tells me “No Mommy,” I try to respond with calmness, even kindness. I say, “That’s okay. I’ll be here if you want a cuddle later.” It’s not always easy, especially when I’m feeling rejected, but I want her to know that my love doesn’t waver based on whether she wants me in the moment or not.
Another challenge is the practical side. There are days when Daddy simply isn’t available, and she has to be with me, or go into the kita with the caregiver she’s less comfortable with. Those transitions can be harder. But interestingly, she adapts more quickly than I expect. When the preferred person isn’t around, she seems to let go of her resistance and embrace the connection that’s available. It’s a good reminder that she’s more flexible and resilient than I sometimes give her credit for.
I’m also trying to keep the lines of communication open—with her, in the small ways we can talk, and with the caregivers at the kita. I don’t want to project fear or suspicion, but I do want to stay alert and observant. If there’s ever a shift in her behavior that seems concerning, I want to feel confident that we can address it together. So far, there’s nothing that raises a red flag—just the very normal, very toddler-like tendency to prefer one familiar face over another.
What helps the most is remembering that this really is just a phase. It may feel intense right now, but like so many other stages, it will pass. Her preferences will shift again. Maybe next week she’ll be all about Mommy, and Daddy will find himself momentarily benched. These roles aren’t permanent—they’re fluid. What stays constant is the foundation we’re building: presence, patience, love, and understanding.
In the meantime, I’m learning not to measure my worth as a parent by whether I’m the “favorite” today. What matters more is showing up, over and over, with openness and love, whether I’m being reached for or gently pushed away. Because deep down, I know she trusts me. She knows I’m safe. And even when she’s in a “Daddy only” phase, she still finds her way back to me, in her own time, in her own way.
And when she does, I’m right here—arms open, heart full, ready.
