It’s strange how often we talk around people instead of to them. Although we live in a world where staying connected is easier than ever—with smartphones in our pockets, social media at our fingertips, and instant messaging or video calls just a click away—we still often avoid having real, direct conversations. We talk about each other behind backs, whisper judgments, relay concerns through someone else, and craft entire opinions from assumptions rather than conversations. We might tell five people what we think of someone before we ever think to tell that person themselves. And often, by the time we do, the truth is buried under layers of interpretation and emotion.
There’s something powerful about directness. Not confrontation, not aggression, but honest, respectful communication. It’s easy to form opinions based on behavior we observe or words we overhear. But unless we actually speak to the person involved, we’re dealing with a version of them filtered through our own assumptions. And that version may not be accurate. People are nuanced. Their reasons, emotions, and circumstances don’t always sit on the surface. Sometimes all it takes to understand someone is a conversation—not about them, but with them.
It happens in friendships. Someone pulls away a little, and instead of asking them if something’s wrong, we talk to someone else about it. “Do you think she’s mad at me?” “He’s been acting weird.” And so the story grows in our heads. But if we picked up the phone and asked, we might hear something entirely different. Maybe they’re overwhelmed. Maybe they’re going through something private. Maybe they didn’t realize they were being distant. But unless we speak directly to them, we keep guessing. And sometimes, we guess wrong and drift further apart.
Workplaces are full of this dynamic too. One person has a concern about a teammate, so they tell a manager, who tells HR, who holds a meeting… and by the time the message reaches the person in question, it’s lost in translation. They feel blindsided, confused, maybe even hurt. When all along, a one-on-one chat might have solved the issue quietly and quickly. Talking to people doesn’t just feel more human—it’s often more efficient.
The truth is, it takes courage to talk to someone directly. There’s a vulnerability in it. When you speak to someone honestly, you give them space to respond, to challenge you, to open up. That can be scary. It’s easier to vent about someone than to say, “Hey, can we talk?” It’s safer to assume intentions than to ask about them. But the safe path rarely leads to growth. Real understanding requires real dialogue.
Even in families, this pattern shows up. Generations can go by without people saying what they actually feel. Parents talk about their children to other relatives. Siblings talk about each other, not with each other. And the walls keep building. Silence becomes the norm, and resentments grow in the cracks. One honest conversation can feel like an earthquake—but sometimes, that’s what’s needed to rebuild.
Social media hasn’t helped this trend. It’s now normal to subtweet, post cryptic messages, or vent online about people we haven’t spoken to in weeks. We broadcast our feelings to the world, except to the person who needs to hear them. It’s become a performance of emotion rather than a practice of connection. We craft careful captions, but skip the uncomfortable call. It feels easier in the moment, but ultimately it isolates us more.
Talking to the person also means listening to the person. Not just saying your piece, but hearing theirs. Not preparing your next argument while they speak, but really trying to understand their side. That’s where trust is built. It doesn’t mean you’ll always agree or that everything will be resolved. But it does mean you’re dealing with reality, not a version of it shaped by secondhand stories or silent assumptions.
And there’s a respect in it, too. When you go straight to someone with your feelings, it tells them: I think you’re worth talking to. I respect you enough to bring this to you. That kind of honesty, when delivered with kindness, can deepen relationships. Even when it’s uncomfortable, it creates a space where truth can live. And over time, those spaces become the foundation for meaningful bonds.
Of course, not every conversation will go smoothly. Some people won’t be ready to hear what you have to say. Some might shut down, get defensive, or react emotionally. But the point isn’t control. The point is clarity. When you’ve said what you need to say with integrity and openness, you’ve done your part. You’ve chosen truth over gossip, courage over avoidance, maturity over messiness. And that choice, even if it doesn’t change the outcome, changes you.
There’s also something freeing about it. Carrying around unspoken frustrations, unaddressed misunderstandings, or imaginary conflicts is heavy. It clouds your thoughts. It affects how you show up. When you have the courage to talk things out, you lighten your emotional load. You make space for peace. You give yourself a chance to move forward without lingering doubt.
So many conflicts could be avoided—or at least softened—if we just talked to each other sooner. Imagine how much smoother life could be if instead of wondering what someone thinks, we just asked. Instead of telling everyone else how we feel, we told the person involved. Instead of assuming the worst, we gave people the chance to explain. We’d still have disagreements, but they’d be clearer. Cleaner. More honest.
Next time you catch yourself stewing about someone or venting to a third party, pause. Ask yourself: have I talked to them? Not texted a vague message or dropped hints. Not waited for them to figure it out. But actually talked. If not, maybe it’s time. Not every conversation has to be deep or dramatic. Sometimes it’s as simple as, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about something and wanted to ask you about it.” That small step can shift everything.
In the end, connection is a choice. And so is distance. When we choose to talk to people, not just about them, we choose closeness over separation, understanding over judgment, and growth over comfort. It’s not always easy—but it’s always worth it.
So say the thing. Ask the question. Clear the air. Talk to them. The rest will follow.
